It's Just a Game

It's that time of the year again.  Parents everywhere are loading kids into their car and heading out to the fields for soccer/baseball/etc.    We've all seen the pictures/stories going around to remind parents that these are just kids and that, for the most part, the coaches and referees are unpaid volunteers.   

If you haven't seen this picture at least
once a season you must not have Facebook.

The other night I had the unfortunate experience of sitting next to a mom who evidently had not received the memo that our kids are not MLS players.  They're at most 10 for crying out loud.


Now, before I go on a rant about how this woman was behaving let me tell you that I am extremely competitive and I am all for pushing my kids to do better and try harder.  I am in no way a 'every one is a winner and deserves a trophy just for showing up' type parent.  I also have mom-friends that yell at the top of their lungs to their own kids "Run faster!", "It's yours, go for it!" and I am in no way coming down on them.  I would yell more for my own kid and others if anyone could actually hear me when I yell.


But notice what we're yelling whether we are yelling it to our own kids or their teammates - "Run faster!", "Go for it!", "You've got it!".  We are NOT yelling "what are you doing? playing for the other team?!".  We are not singling out 8 year olds (who may or may not know who the heck we are) and yelling at them "Come on! You're not doing it right! let someone else play if you're not going to do it right!".

This aforementioned mother - sitting dangerously close to me - was yelling out names of kids for those that she knew and numbers on jerseys for those that she didn't.  Sometimes she wasn't yelling at the kids - she was mocking the players to her buddy sitting next to her "Oh number 2 out there is supposed to be playing defense for our team, he's got on our color of jersey but he must be playing for the other team because he's costing us the game right now".  

To this lady I would just like to say:

Seriously lady?  First of all - perhaps you're little sweet angel may be the best player on the team - (He's not.) - but remember - they are freaking 8-10 year olds.  This is not you going to go watch a game between professional athletes who number one probably would never hear your stupid comments but also are grown adults who can handle the douchebaggery that's falling out of your mouth right now much better than an 8 year old.
You - my stupid little ass-hat - may get all your worth and self-value by whether or not your kids team wins the game but not everyone is as shallow as you.  When you walk up and down the line of the field yelling things at kids - that don't even know you - in a destructive manner you are killing their chance of actually enjoying doing what they're doing.  So sit down and please - for all that is holy - SHUT UP!!!

Now again, however parents want to talk to their own kids is up to them.  Family dynamics are different. Motivation is different for every kid - even within the same family.  My son loves it when I

cheer him on - my daughter prefers me to be quiet. But if you are yelling discouraging things to kids that are not even yours you are crossing a line.   If you are making fun of kids are aren't the star players to your 'squad' sitting next to you - oblivious to the fact that the parents of the kid you are mocking (and let's face it - BULLYING) are sitting right next to you then are a special kind of stupid aren't you?

My kid may never be the star of the team.  He may try to play all through his childhood and teenage years still always be at the bottom of the roster.  I'm okay with that - as long as he is having fun, staying active, trying hard, and is better than what he was yesterday because he is learning from his experience.  If you only knew what it took to get my kid to sign up for a team sport - he was mortified.  I made him do it because I knew it would be good for him.  He wasn't as social as most kids his age.  The biggest thing he was worried about was 'messing up' and letting his team down - and being embarrassed.  I kept pushing him - not because I have this sick need to live vicariously through him (if I did I would have chosen just about any other sport than soccer) - but because I didn't want him to not try things in life because he was afraid of the 'What ifs'.  "What if I'm not good?", "What if I mess up?", "What if I'm not fast enough?", "What if I can't remember the rules?".

He was holding himself back because he was afraid and he was retreating even more inwardly and putting walls up and I knew I had to get him into something to break down some of those barriers he was building at his young age.

So for me, seeing him out there making friends, trying to do the best he can do and having fun doing it is an accomplishment.  Like I said, as long as he's having fun, staying active, and trying hard then it's all good in my book.

So for some mom-jean wearing lady to come along and make fun of him and his teammates, to yell at them and berate them, to disrespect the coach and the other family members - it was all I could do to sit there and not say anything.  Had the game lasted 5 more minutes I honestly would have had to say something - if not for my kid then for all the other kids that this lady was mocking.  I am NOT a confrontational person at all - but when I unload - it all comes out and you will know exactly what I think of you (and probably what the rest of the folks sitting around think of you as well).

For those that care - there is a great article on what to say to your kids regarding participating in sports (or any extra-curricular activity).  This is especially true when your comments are focused towards kids that aren't even yours.  I found it extremely helpful when my kids started participating in sports because I was worried that my over abundance of competitiveness would come out and make them not enjoy what they were doing - it helped keep me in check.

Keep on cheering for your kids and their teammates - but watch out for the soccer moms like me who will go all mama bear on your ass if you start tearing the kids down - to their faces or behind their backs.  I promise you - it won't be pretty.

 

Someone's Pants are on Fire

Everybody lies at some point in their life.  Usually it's something small - like whether or not you were the one that finished off that box of girl scout cookies.  Sometimes it's bigger things.  Sometimes the lies really don't hurt anyone - Sometimes they hurt the people you are supposed to love and watch after the most.

There is someone in my life that lies a LOT.  Let's call her "Lizzy".  From big to small there is no difference, she just lies.

What gets me is that she lies for no reason. She's not defending herself about doing something wrong, it's not that she's trying to get her way or reach an objective. She just lies.

Research shows that this is classified as a compulsive liar.  For compulsive liars lying is second nature to them.  They take comfort in lies and sometimes don't even realize they're doing it.

Compulsive liars can get help and overcome this 'addiction'.  But as with every addiction, the first step is to admit you have a problem.

I've been around this person all my life.  She's family. I've grown accustomed to the lies and deception.  Sometimes we all just shake our heads, roll our eyes and say "oh.... that Lizzy".  But sometimes, a lot of times - it goes much deeper.  It still hurts even after all this time of dealing with it. It's masterful the way she takes a small truth and then builds upon it with exaggeration and complete fabrications.

"Lizzy" if you're reading this - please - just stop. Get help.  Stop exaggerating. Stop lying. It doesn't matter how small the lie is please just stop.  We are all desperately over it.  Every lie you speak, write, post, etc. makes us question everything you've ever told us.  We already question things to begin with because....well...we know you lie - but this makes us REALLY question EVERYTHING.  I personally think you are not aware of how many of your family and friends have caught on to this lying...and how now it's really changed from us reacting to it by just shaking our heads - to really being frustrated and mad - every time you say or write something.  Please...just stop it already.

A Letter to My Ex's New Girlfriend

Dear New Girl,

I understand you think HE's the just the greatest.  I also understand that you think I am just a total and complete bitch because based on what HE's told you - that's just what I am. What you don't understand is that I've been through this before - you're nothing new - you're about the 10th person HE's brought around and introduced to our kids so at this point we're all exhausted from making the effort with the other 9 (which inevitably didn't work out either).  You see - HE just has an idea of what HE wants - a template - to look good to others.  Quite honestly it doesn't matter whose body fills the position - HE just wants someone to fill that spot.  Not for any sentimental need - it's only because that's what HE thinks will look best to everyone around him (excluding his immediate family/kids).  Do you doubt me? Of course you do - because you just think I'm a jealous ex-wife who just wants to bitch about her ex-husband.  You see, it's nothing against you.  You actually seem like a nice person and I don't mind you being around my children.  It's because I know you are smarter and better than this - that I know you will not stick around for long - so therefore there's no point to really getting to know you and 'welcome' you as a parental figure in my kids life.  In a year or so it's going to be the exact same thing with someone else.  

I am going to accurately predict the course of your relationship and let you in on a few things.  Perhaps then you will notice some of the small red flags that you dismissed away in your mind -and what they are really signs of - and perhaps then you will see that these are not some ramblings of a bitchy jealous ex wife.  This is the plea to be smarter than this and not let yourself get fooled like I did.

1. Within 6 Months you will have some sort of argument.  It may start off as something simple or as a result of you laughing while telling a story about how some other guy hit on you that day.  At some point HE will question your intention with this story.  Are you just trying to make him jealous? Are you testing him to see what HE will do? You quickly remind him that the guy was completely no threat at all - and you weren't trying to make him jealous but just thought it was a funny interaction.  HE seems to dismiss it but in your mind a little flag pops up - and you know that it's not the last time you will hear about this.  At this point HE is already practically living with you.  You think it's great because you enjoy each other's company so much and think of it as a sign that he really wants to commit to you.

2. Within 9 Months - you start to have second thoughts about whether or not he's the right person for you.  You notice that the front that he put on in the beginning of the relationship is fading away.  Why can't a 40 year old man pay his own bills? Why are his wages being garnished? Why doesn't he have a more active relationship with his children? You question whether it's him showing his true self, you just being picky, or if you're just settling in to the relationship.

3. Within a Year you will have a few more arguments.  Most of them based on him feeling neglected in some way.   You will start to feel as if you are the worst partner someone could have.  HE will begin to prey on even your slightest weakness, make you feel paranoid, make you feel insufficient.  If you cry (especially in front of others) HE will hold your hand, wipe your tears, and tell you that you have just misunderstood.  Several of your arguments may even involve alcohol - you may see him punch a wall, throw something. It will startle you at first but the next morning he profusely apologizes and tells you that HE just had too much to drink and that you should know better than to talk about 'XYZ' subject when he's been drinking.  At some point he will start to question the clothes you wear.  In fact he will even start hiding your clothes or throwing away the ones he feels are too 'revealing'.  (Be prepared to have nothing but turtlenecks and jeans left in your closet).  He says that by wearing revealing clothes you are advertising yourself as available and openly flirting.  Again a red flag goes off in your head - but again you dismiss it.  You are almost 40 by the way - maybe you should be resigned to one piece bathing suits.  

4. Within 18 Months you will have a big fight.  It's at this point that you realize that HE is an overly jealous person that thinks you are just cheating all the time.  You also realize that his moving in with you so soon was less about wanting to be with you and more about wanting to know where you are all the time.  It was also about not being able to support himself financially and not knowing how to be alone.  You start to realize HE doesn't want a partner - HE wants someone to dote on him over and over and make him their life.  You try to 'spice things up' in the bedroom - but that fails miserably because HE just accuses you of learning new things from whoever you're 'cheating with'. You're tired of the arguments, tired of feeling afraid and want out - but now you're too far entwined.  You've fallen in love with his kid and your kids are attached to them as well.  You start to reach out to friends and family - wanting some support or guidance.  All of the sudden HE starts having a problem with you spending time with your brother, sister, or God forbid your parents.  You start to feel isolated and alone with no one to talk to.

5.  Within 2 years you are completely depressed.  He's lost his job (or is at the cusp of losing it as always seems the case).  You are overworked.  You are timed from the time you leave your place of work til the time you get home.  And if you stop for milk - Lord have mercy - you have to steel your nerves for your arrival home. The questions about why you are a few minutes longer than you usually are.  Why didn't you call him, etc. etc. etc. You want out.  You have more fights.  While HE  doesn't hit you, you have been pushed up against walls, had things thrown at you, dragged across the floor by your hair, kept from taking your kids and leaving.  No, HE doesn't hit you - but HE makes sure that you know HE could.... and HE will.  You start going to couples counseling.  HE gets mad because HE didn't come there for the counselor to point out what he's doing wrong - HE just wants the counselor to 'fix you'.  Nothing works. You're scared.  Your kids are scared.  My kids are scared.

If you make it past the 2 year mark - I will write what happens next.  For the record, it doesn't get any better.  The relationship, the intimidation, the way he makes you feel like it's all your doing.  The sex doesn't get any better either by the way - something else he makes you fell as if it's all your fault.  You hate sleeping with him - but know if you don't there will be a six hour screaming match of him accusing you of cheating - you denying it - and your kids and neighbors hearing the whole thing. So you just do it to get it over with.  It's more than just obligatory. It feels like rape.

So - my dear new girl.  I hope you never make it with my ex.  I don't say that out of jealousy or spite.  I say that because I know that if you do 'make it I know what that feels like.  It's not an accomplishment. It's a prison and I would feel so sorry for you.  If you read this please don't ignore the signs.  Don't ignore the red flags...your intuition.  

For all the women out there - if you are the new girl to someone else's ex - don't instantly believe what you hear from the guy.  Look at his dating/marriage patterns.  Do a background check.  Search your county's public records (although the majority of dating/domestic violence often goes unreported).  Especially if there are kids involved - know who you're getting involved with before introducing them.  I know it's in our nature to not like the 'ex-wife' or 'ex-girlfriend' of our current partner.  But if you see a pattern - if you see red flags - don't ignore them.

Once you lose your confidence, your sense of security, you will always feel afraid - no matter how much you do better without him, no matter how much you need him, no matter how many self-defense classes you take.  Being afraid and letting him have that power is the most shittiest feeling.

Welcome to my Stream of Conciousness

Over time I have been discussing with my significant other (S.O.) all of the things that drive me crazy, make me laugh, make me cry, etc. Day after day I would come home to him with some crazy story from work that had me completely out of my mind and I would spend a good chunk of our time together just ranting.  If it wasn't work, it was something about my ex, his ex, our kids, the families, etc.  The only thing is that we only have each other to vent to (granted I do more venting than he does).

Unfortunately for him, he is also the only one I can tell all my silly jokes to, or show my internet memes to because he is the only one that 'gets me'.

This is why I don't do Pinterest

I won't pretend that anything I write will be of any interest to you, the reader.  Sometimes though I just feel the need to 'scream from the rooftops'. Whether it's anger about something at work or exhaustion and frustration about the fact that I'll likely never win 'Mom of the Year' award - especially compared to those Pinterest-Perfect-Parents.  You know.. the ones who spend their days making flower beds out of magic bean sprouts that were attached to the fur of the puppy they found and later adopted, which had wandered onto their perfectly manicured lawn....oh...and they cook all natural foods and great tasting desserts from recipes they've seen on Pinterest.

I'm not one of those moms by the way.  My kids eat way too many chicken nuggets and I think I've used my oven twice in the last 6 months - almost everything is nuked in the microwave or picked up on the way home - hence the boulder of guilt on my shoulders (as well as why I have a certain not-so-nice internal dialogue about those Pinterest-Perfect-Parents).   Sometimes I just want to express my absolute joy in something - or share something I find funny even if nobody else shares my sense of humor.  Basically I need a 'no judgement' zone.

Now he doesn't have to feign laughter
while watching this for the hundredth time

My S.O. ('significant other' -for those of you who are too bleary eyed like me from working hours upon hours in addition to shuttling kids and still finding time to somehow maintain a relationship -to retain that reference) suggested that I start a personal 'anonymous' blog so I can have the feeling of 'shouting from the rooftops' without the worry of being judged.  Now, I'm not stupid.  He could have suggested this so he doesn't have to listen to me gripe about any of the above mentioned items.  I can get it all out just by writing it - a form of blog-therapy.

OR - he could have suggested it to be supportive, finds me incredibly finds me,  and he really thinks there will be a treasure trove of like-minded people that will share my thoughts and want to habitually hear what I have to say.  I'd like to think it's more of the latter but....well...you know.  At any rate - I hope there is something that I write that you relate to, find funny, or just feel the need to share.

Since one of the goals is to find 'common ground' I will share a little bit about myself.  I work in the corporate world - one that's a little too stuffy for me but..hey...it pays the bills.  I work 40+ hours a week. Therefore, I'm not one of the ones hanging out in the parent drop off loop at the elementary school in my PJ's with nothing else to do until 2 p.m.  I'm the one in my car trying to get out of the "muddle' of the loop and get my head out of 'Mom Mode' and into 'Corporate Kick Ass Mode'.  I enjoy my job and the people that work with me.  I just have a complete disdain for those who put what's best for them to stay on their 'rung of the corporate ladder' above making the right decision (or any decision for that matter) as well as a loathing for the 'red tape' that can keep many people in jobs (corporate or otherwise) from moving forward (which is what a lot of my rants are about).

I have three kids - all of which bring me joy - and all of which can drive me absolutely crazy.   S.O. and I take turns keeping each other sane on a daily basis (and sometimes making things worse for each other I'm sure).

My blog is just a more 'socially acceptable' version of
turning green and throwing someone around like a rag doll

At any rate - I hope you find something you can relate to and maybe even the courage to find your own voice (or unleash your existing inner dialogue).   My goal is to vent, find humor in situations, and say the things that maybe I feel (or am told) that it's not my place to do so.  It is not my goal to have a bazillion followers - it is only to get everything out by clacking away on the keyboard.  Maybe then, at the end of the day,  I can just give a recap to my S.O. over a nice glass of wine - rather than drinking three bottles to forget about the events of the day (just kidding... I don't really do that... every day...).