I understand you think HE's the just the greatest. I also understand that you think I am just a total and complete bitch because based on what HE's told you - that's just what I am. What you don't understand is that I've been through this before - you're nothing new - you're about the 10th person HE's brought around and introduced to our kids so at this point we're all exhausted from making the effort with the other 9 (which inevitably didn't work out either). You see - HE just has an idea of what HE wants - a template - to look good to others. Quite honestly it doesn't matter whose body fills the position - HE just wants someone to fill that spot. Not for any sentimental need - it's only because that's what HE thinks will look best to everyone around him (excluding his immediate family/kids). Do you doubt me? Of course you do - because you just think I'm a jealous ex-wife who just wants to bitch about her ex-husband. You see, it's nothing against you. You actually seem like a nice person and I don't mind you being around my children. It's because I know you are smarter and better than this - that I know you will not stick around for long - so therefore there's no point to really getting to know you and 'welcome' you as a parental figure in my kids life. In a year or so it's going to be the exact same thing with someone else.
I am going to accurately predict the course of your relationship and let you in on a few things. Perhaps then you will notice some of the small red flags that you dismissed away in your mind -and what they are really signs of - and perhaps then you will see that these are not some ramblings of a bitchy jealous ex wife. This is the plea to be smarter than this and not let yourself get fooled like I did.
1. Within 6 Months you will have some sort of argument. It may start off as something simple or as a result of you laughing while telling a story about how some other guy hit on you that day. At some point HE will question your intention with this story. Are you just trying to make him jealous? Are you testing him to see what HE will do? You quickly remind him that the guy was completely no threat at all - and you weren't trying to make him jealous but just thought it was a funny interaction. HE seems to dismiss it but in your mind a little flag pops up - and you know that it's not the last time you will hear about this. At this point HE is already practically living with you. You think it's great because you enjoy each other's company so much and think of it as a sign that he really wants to commit to you.
2. Within 9 Months - you start to have second thoughts about whether or not he's the right person for you. You notice that the front that he put on in the beginning of the relationship is fading away. Why can't a 40 year old man pay his own bills? Why are his wages being garnished? Why doesn't he have a more active relationship with his children? You question whether it's him showing his true self, you just being picky, or if you're just settling in to the relationship.
3. Within a Year you will have a few more arguments. Most of them based on him feeling neglected in some way. You will start to feel as if you are the worst partner someone could have. HE will begin to prey on even your slightest weakness, make you feel paranoid, make you feel insufficient. If you cry (especially in front of others) HE will hold your hand, wipe your tears, and tell you that you have just misunderstood. Several of your arguments may even involve alcohol - you may see him punch a wall, throw something. It will startle you at first but the next morning he profusely apologizes and tells you that HE just had too much to drink and that you should know better than to talk about 'XYZ' subject when he's been drinking. At some point he will start to question the clothes you wear. In fact he will even start hiding your clothes or throwing away the ones he feels are too 'revealing'. (Be prepared to have nothing but turtlenecks and jeans left in your closet). He says that by wearing revealing clothes you are advertising yourself as available and openly flirting. Again a red flag goes off in your head - but again you dismiss it. You are almost 40 by the way - maybe you should be resigned to one piece bathing suits.
4. Within 18 Months you will have a big fight. It's at this point that you realize that HE is an overly jealous person that thinks you are just cheating all the time. You also realize that his moving in with you so soon was less about wanting to be with you and more about wanting to know where you are all the time. It was also about not being able to support himself financially and not knowing how to be alone. You start to realize HE doesn't want a partner - HE wants someone to dote on him over and over and make him their life. You try to 'spice things up' in the bedroom - but that fails miserably because HE just accuses you of learning new things from whoever you're 'cheating with'. You're tired of the arguments, tired of feeling afraid and want out - but now you're too far entwined. You've fallen in love with his kid and your kids are attached to them as well. You start to reach out to friends and family - wanting some support or guidance. All of the sudden HE starts having a problem with you spending time with your brother, sister, or God forbid your parents. You start to feel isolated and alone with no one to talk to.
5. Within 2 years you are completely depressed. He's lost his job (or is at the cusp of losing it as always seems the case). You are overworked. You are timed from the time you leave your place of work til the time you get home. And if you stop for milk - Lord have mercy - you have to steel your nerves for your arrival home. The questions about why you are a few minutes longer than you usually are. Why didn't you call him, etc. etc. etc. You want out. You have more fights. While HE doesn't hit you, you have been pushed up against walls, had things thrown at you, dragged across the floor by your hair, kept from taking your kids and leaving. No, HE doesn't hit you - but HE makes sure that you know HE could.... and HE will. You start going to couples counseling. HE gets mad because HE didn't come there for the counselor to point out what he's doing wrong - HE just wants the counselor to 'fix you'. Nothing works. You're scared. Your kids are scared. My kids are scared.
If you make it past the 2 year mark - I will write what happens next. For the record, it doesn't get any better. The relationship, the intimidation, the way he makes you feel like it's all your doing. The sex doesn't get any better either by the way - something else he makes you fell as if it's all your fault. You hate sleeping with him - but know if you don't there will be a six hour screaming match of him accusing you of cheating - you denying it - and your kids and neighbors hearing the whole thing. So you just do it to get it over with. It's more than just obligatory. It feels like rape.
So - my dear new girl. I hope you never make it with my ex. I don't say that out of jealousy or spite. I say that because I know that if you do 'make it I know what that feels like. It's not an accomplishment. It's a prison and I would feel so sorry for you. If you read this please don't ignore the signs. Don't ignore the red flags...your intuition.
For all the women out there - if you are the new girl to someone else's ex - don't instantly believe what you hear from the guy. Look at his dating/marriage patterns. Do a background check. Search your county's public records (although the majority of dating/domestic violence often goes unreported). Especially if there are kids involved - know who you're getting involved with before introducing them. I know it's in our nature to not like the 'ex-wife' or 'ex-girlfriend' of our current partner. But if you see a pattern - if you see red flags - don't ignore them.
Once you lose your confidence, your sense of security, you will always feel afraid - no matter how much you do better without him, no matter how much you need him, no matter how many self-defense classes you take. Being afraid and letting him have that power is the most shittiest feeling.
Once you lose your confidence, your sense of security, you will always feel afraid - no matter how much you do better without him, no matter how much you need him, no matter how many self-defense classes you take. Being afraid and letting him have that power is the most shittiest feeling.
